MY HAPPY TRYBE

I have a 12 year old daughter. As she grows up, I find myself increasingly unable to influence the rapidly forming notions in her mind. Notions about what’s cool, what’s not, what’s right and what’s wrong…and according to research, somewhere in the subconscious, quietly forming is also an idea of the partner she will choose in her future. In fact, apparently that seed starts germinating in all of us as early as 6 years of age!

While I can’t fully control what ideas she forms about the world, I can gently drop some words there, in the hope that they take anchor and help her form her choices prudently when the time’s come…

So when last evening I saw her jump with glee that Book 5 of Percy Jackson has Percy and Annabeth getting closer, I figured it was not a bad time to have a small talk…

Here’s the 12 YO version of what I told her:

When we are small, we don’t carry around notions of what is good, what is not – a child just is. So the friends we choose are usually kids who enjoy doing the same thing we do. We befriend other kids like us so we can have more fun doing what we like to do.

As we grow up , however, towards teens and adulthood, things start to complicate a bit more. Think – Inside Out 1 AND 2 all in one head. With the influence of other children, books, movies and adults around us, we start gathering complex emotions like embarrassment, disgust, envy, anxiety……

Ironically, what comes along are identities. I am brave, I am a coward, he is so smart, she is the pack – leader, I am not that pretty..

While there is a whole lot I would like to talk about identities, I will leave that for another time.

Now. Have you guys watched Kung fu Panda? Or heard the term Yin Yang somewhere? Well my daughter has…so it was easy to explain two parts of a whole.

Here it is…

As we grow up, we seem to possess certain qualities and traits. There may be some qualities that you don’t have, but you wish you did. You only have the Yin.
So what do you do? You make friends with people who seem to possess those desirable qualities. One of those people will go on to be your partner for life! You set out looking for the Yang to complete you.

As an example – I grew up being highly obedient. Even as an adult I never questioned authority. But I hated this about myself. I so wished I was brave.

Then came a man who was brave as a lion. He was the alpha male and I was drawn like a moth to flame! He on the other hand was drawn to me because I was all that he wasn’t – calm, cheerful and fuss – free (read ‘submissive’) and never in conflict. We seemed perfect for each other! I even made some friends who were exactly like him and they loved having me around too!

Now this is a co-dependent relationship. It works fine in some cases where the traits are not very aggressive. I have seen it all work very well with some of my friends. In my case though, I was disappearing in the relationships. I played a supporting – role in my own movie!

However the equation may turn out, sooner or later you are likely to realise what you really want is not just to be around the person you want to be, but actually BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE.

So….here’s what I suggest…why wait till you are older and you get this??
Get ahead. Figure this out now! Start working on who you want to be. Complete yourself. Balance yourself. Stand on your own feet. Now, you are in charge of your life. You DON’T NEED THE MAN or anyone else to complete you. And while the title had to be catchy, this applies to everyone – girls, boyz, men and women.

Once you are on your own path to be all that you want to be, you will attract people like yourself – balanced and complete on their own and create beautiful harmonious relationships where everyone is growing together – complementing each other.

I daresay – such friendships and marriages will have healthy boundaries, safety and freedom to be and are likely to last a long time with fewer conflicts!

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